Since then I have done everything I can to actively ignore it.
I don’t know what to do with it. But when the universe wants you to pay attention to something, there’s no avoiding it. So here I am.
An unintended joke / prophecy / foreshadowing?
There is a joke in this that I didn’t plan. I named this Substack What You Didn’t See way before any diagnosis, back when I was trying to process my exhaustion and existentialism around constantly performing and overlooking my own needs and desires.
Turns out, What You Didn’t See is a perfect description of a high-masking AuDHD brain. Aka me.
My idea of ADHD was… different
My idea of autism and ADHD was the same as most people’s. I pictured hyper little boys. And as it happens, I am raising one of those. And parenting him with these very specific behaviours is how I found out how badly both are misunderstood.
I learned that unlike these classic stereotypes, high-functioning autism in women is highly internalized. Outwardly, a woman may appear deeply empathetic, hyper-competent, and socially active; inwardly, she is experiencing profound cognitive strain. If you fancy reading further, here is the source.
I am one of these women.
At the moment, though, I do not feel very high-functioning. I feel fairly malfunctioning.
From high-functioning to malfunctioning
Here is the part that I don’t let the world see.
I am on my phone more than ever. I am perpetually exhausted. My anxiety is loud. My brain is fogged for most of the day. My hair has gone visibly grey. My skin has suddenly aged, and no Korean skincare seems to be able to fix it. And my right eye has been twitching for nearly a month, which I first took as a sign of good luck, until I learned it is a sign of high cortisol. The remaining symptoms I will keep to myself, to maintain whatever dignity I have left.
The research did offer me one reassurance. Anxiety and depression keep this kind of wiring company so faithfully that I appear to have several future editions of this newsletter already forming in my nervous system. So there is that to look forward to.
The harder question and looking ahead
But the real question that keeps me up at night is that perhaps my entire personality, up to this exact point, might be a trauma response.
What do I do with that? Where do I go from there?
I am going to put my neurodivergent obsessiveness and curiosity to work here on this publication and process it publicly. And I hope that others going through something similar might feel less alone and help me feel seen too.
Join me as I work this out.